Naked Truth

Men suppress their emotions. I liken some guys I've encountered to shaken soda cans in that they seem harmless on the surface despite having a great deal of pent up aggression waiting to overflow. Unfortunately, men are bred to keep it all in. It starts when they're children on the playground. When a boy scrapes his knee, or falls akwardly off the monkey bars, he's chastised for crying. As the boy grows older, that same sort of message follows him throughout life. I touched on the topic of manhood with a men's group that I faciliate. Little did I know what would come out of the session.

The group I run is at a 4-year college. On a bi-weekly basis, I meet with these guys (mostly black and Hispanic males) to kick it. We talk about anything, but I try to connect the topics to matters they deal with on a regular basis as college students. During one session, however, I decided to venture outside that box. I asked them if they felt like Maury Povich should be considered an entertainer or educator? As intended, that question lead us down a path of talking about the role of men within families.

One young man, Bleek, derided the guests as being idiotic tools who allow Maury to exploit their family issues for his own benefit. Bleek then joked about the women who (sometimes erroneously and foolishly) feed into Maury prodding them to prove that the baby looks like the father. Another student, Mookie, jumped in to talk about how the black men on Maury all seem very similar in character and demeanor. He argued that Maury fuels stereotypes about black men.

That point lead me to talk about the premise for Maury's show, which (to me) highlights the culture of broken families that has been so pervasive in this country. I knew the ensuing exchange would prompt some powerful dialogue (especially when I asked them to talk about one positive black male role model in each of their lives) but I didn't realize the extent to which many of the guys would open up.

Mookie: My grandfather is the only positive male role model I can think of, truthfully. I know my father, but that's all he is.. my father.
Me: What do you mean?
Mookie: I don't have a relationship with him. He was too busy running around and doing whatever to be a dad. My mom raised me by herself, basically.
Me: How'd that make you feel?
Mookie: I'm cool with it at this point in my life, but growing up I was angry. Maybe that's why I did a lot of dumb stuff. I used to run around wit gangs and stuff until my boy got shot in the head.
Me: And that changed you?
Mookie: Yeh. He died in my arms. I was wit him when it happened.


At that point, Bleek jumped in. He wanted to share his own story.

Bleek: My role model would prolly be my stepdad. He taught me how to be a man.
Me: Is he still in your life?
Bleek: Nah. He's locked up.
Me: What about your dad?
Bleek: He was never in my life, but I ain't mad at him. He was real with me.
Me: How so?
Bleek: He told me that he loved crack more than he loved me.


Two weeks after that discussion group, Bleek was expelled from school for violating the terms of his on-campus probation. Apparently, he loved smoking weed a little too much.