Stretch Armslong

Last summer one of my very good friends introduced me to Stretch Armslong. Like many inner-city ball players, Armslong had major hoop dreams. He was very athletic and had freakishly long arms. I'm pretty sure he could've scratched his knees standing up.

Usually when I see a guy with that much raw athletic ability, I'm lead to believe there's something wrong. It's difficult to be as athletic as Armslong and slip through the cracks. It took a month for me to realize he had the basketball IQ of a fruit fly. He couldn't pick up plays regardless of the way it was presented (paper, walk-thru, etc). Learning a basketball play isn't about intelligence. It's really a matter of recognizing alignments and understanding why a movement is happening. Armslong even struggled with a basic defensive stance despite my many attempts to rectify that.

Me: Defend at an arms length away from your opponent! Why are you three feet off the ball after I've told you this five times?!?
Armslong: Oh. I went to some practices at UConn and that's how they defend.
Me: Does it look like you're at UConn right now?!?! 
Armslong: (whispering) No

After practice he came to me and apologized for trying to do it his way. He reasoned that since his goal is to play at UConn in a year, he should try to defend like they do.

Me: You want to play at UConn? (thinking...what is it with these guys and UConn)
Armslong: Yeh. I play pick up there all the time with the women's team. I think I could play there.
Me: You're joking, right?
Armslong: No. Why??
Me: Your fundamentals need a lot of work.You have trouble remembering to v-cut. You release the ball from your crotch when you shoot. There's also the fact that none of the courses you're taking right now will transfer to a 4-year school. Speaking of academics, what's going on with your English class?
Armslong: I'm doing good.
Me: You have a D right now.
Armslong: Yeh. I'm passing. I'm good.
Me: So a D is good to you??
Armslong: I mean. I did good on my last test. I hate that professor, though.
Me: Why's that?
Armslong: She won't let people go to the bathroom!
Me: Do you have a bladder problem that I don't know about?
Armslong: No
Me: Then why the f**k are you concerned with her bathroom policy?!?!

(To be continued...)