Lebraun Comes to Town

A couple of weeks ago, I was paid a visit by none other than "the Emperor" himself (Lebraun) in my office. He had left me a message during the week asking about trying out for the basketball team, but I didn't take it seriously because (after all) this is Lebraun we're talking about. Why would Lebraun want to play at a junior college?!?

I called Lebraun to invite him for a visit to campus so we could talk about the seriousness of his interest in playing here. Oddly enough, even though Lebraun has been ensconced into my psyche over the past several years via ridiculous puppet commercials and the like, I didn't quite recognize the Emperor when he walked into my office. The following is a transcript of our conversation.

The "Visit"
(Knock. Knock)

Me: (Looking up from computer) Yes. Who are you??
Lebraun: It's me, Coach.. Lebraun
Me: What? You aren't Lebraun!
Lebraun: Yes, I am. My friends all tell me that I'm Lebraun. Don't you recognize me? I'm in your face every night on ESPN. You do watch ESPN, right?
Me: Yeh but you look nothing like ...
Lebraun: Maybe it's the make-up, but it's me. Check this out. I didn't play high school ball because my father kept moving me around and stuff. I went to like four high schools in five years so I didn't play ball. My father just couldn't make up his mind about where he wanted me to be. It's all his fault!
Me: Umm.. Sorry to hear that, man. You aren't...
Lebraun: Yes, I'm who I said I am. My friends told me I'm Lebraun. Watch when you see me play. As a matter of fact, I played against one of your players and dominated him. Blocked him like 7 times. He was your center.
Me: You mean the guy who averaged 2.4 ppg for us this year??
Lebraun: Yeh. That's him!

"The Tryout"
I invited a few guys up to play some pick up who had expressed interest in trying out this fall. Among the eight who showed up that day was (you guessed it) "The Emperor." The first thing I noticed about Lebraun was the odd spin on his jump shot. When you shoot the ball is supposed to have a back spin on it. His ball rotated sideways... At some point in time, I guess he decided to use his left thumb (in addition to his right hand) to get some more umph on his shot. Emperors can go against the grain. That's their nature.

Secondly, I noticed that Lebraun could only go to his right. This seemed odd to me since I'd seen him punish so many teams going to his left. By the third game, the guy who was guarding Lebraun adjusted to this obvious deficiency and forced him left every time. Lebraun was rendered useless. He couldn't figure out which foot to jump off of going to his left...

"The Work Outs"
Given the fact that he is Lebraun, I invited him back for summer workouts. Having coached at this level for five years now, I'm fully aware that size AND stardom doesn't land at just any coach's doorstep. Lebraun had a tough go of it with the conditioning drills. He even got sick a couple of times during the first workout. To his credit, however, he kept coming in and showing up on time.. Most Emperors don't operate this way so I felt very fortunate to be in the company of humble royalty.. Everything was going well until "the Phone Call." Here's a transcript of that conversation.

"The Phone Call"
Lebraun: Hey Coach. I can't make it today.
Me: Why's that, Lebraun? You still aren't in shape. You need to be here everyday.
Lebraun: I know that, Coach, but my gf is having a baby today.
Me: Congratulations, Dad!!
Lebraun: It's not mine.
Me: What do you mean it isn't yours?? She's your gf, right?
Lebraun: Long story...

Next Day...
Me: So, tell me about this long story with your gf and the baby.
Lebraun: Oh yeh. It's not my baby.
Me: I heard you the first time. Whose is it then?
Lebraun: When I met her, she was three months pregnant.
Me: Oh.. That's nice of you to take on somebody else's responsibility.
Lebraun: Well, it ain't just that. She got a car so I'm just using her for that. That's how I get around...
Me: Oh, so you're using her for her car and she's using you to be a father. Got it.