Big Bang Theory

Size is overrated. Basketball coaches gush over players who are tall, long, and athletic. You could be as dumb as a brick if you have those traits going for you in most basketball circles. Most coaches believe you could teach a lot of things--like how to rebound, score around the basket, shoot, dribble, pass, and everything else that comes with being a skilled basketball player. Size, they contend, cannot be taught.

My first test case was Smokey, a 6'8 300 plus pound monster who got his nickname for obvious reasons. He was obese, but he had basketball skill. When Smokey appeared in the gym out of nowhere, it's almost like I saw gold land on my doorstep. I watched him play a game of pick-up with some friends and he didn't look all that bad. I tried to ignore the fact that Smokey panted through non-strenous pick-up games and only took 20 foot jump shots at his size. In five minutes I determined he would be my first project.

As expected, he didn't pass my conditioning run of ten fullcourt sprints in a minute for big men. He couldn't even do six of them. (Note: A first grader could probably do six fullcourt sprints in a minute.) I let him on the team anyway. At 6'8, I felt like Smokey was a drop-step away from being the league's most dominant big man.

Unfortunately, his foot work was horrible. If he had to run a zig-zag to dodge a shooter's bullets, he'd die within seconds. This wasn't his only drawback as a ball player. Smokey also had the basketball IQ of a grape. He couldn't learn basic play patterns like pass, screen away despite two hours of daily repetition for a straight month.

My excitement about the possibilities lead me to dumb everything down on offense, but he had to at least be able to defend. At 6'8, all he had to do was put his hands up around the basket to be effective. Unfortunately, he couldn't remember to do that ninety percent of the time. He also had an aversion to jumping. Smokey was the first guy I ever coached who was afraid to jump. I'm convinced he thought his knees would shatter or something.

As you might expect, he didn't play much to begin the season. I explained to Smokey that he had a very prolonged learning curve to go through before he could play much, if at all. He told me he understood. I was pleasantly surprised when Smokey approached me to talk about his role on the team.

Smokey: We need to talk.
Me: What's up?
Smokey: (angrily) I don't understand!
Me: What don't you understand?
Smokey: I don't get why I'm not playing!
Me: (shocked) uhh... umm. I thought we talked about this before the season started. I told you not to expect much playing time. 
Smokey: Yeh, but I didn't think it would be this long.
Me: We've played two games.
Smokey: I'm sayin, though! I could ball! Give me a chance!
Me: How?!?!? YOU DON'T KNOW ANY OF THE DAMN PLAYS!