Naked Truth

Men suppress their emotions. I liken some guys I've encountered to shaken soda cans in that they seem harmless on the surface despite having a great deal of pent up aggression waiting to overflow. Unfortunately, men are bred to keep it all in. It starts when they're children on the playground. When a boy scrapes his knee, or falls akwardly off the monkey bars, he's chastised for crying. As the boy grows older, that same sort of message follows him throughout life. I touched on the topic of manhood with a men's group that I faciliate. Little did I know what would come out of the session.

The group I run is at a 4-year college. On a bi-weekly basis, I meet with these guys (mostly black and Hispanic males) to kick it. We talk about anything, but I try to connect the topics to matters they deal with on a regular basis as college students. During one session, however, I decided to venture outside that box. I asked them if they felt like Maury Povich should be considered an entertainer or educator? As intended, that question lead us down a path of talking about the role of men within families.

One young man, Bleek, derided the guests as being idiotic tools who allow Maury to exploit their family issues for his own benefit. Bleek then joked about the women who (sometimes erroneously and foolishly) feed into Maury prodding them to prove that the baby looks like the father. Another student, Mookie, jumped in to talk about how the black men on Maury all seem very similar in character and demeanor. He argued that Maury fuels stereotypes about black men.

That point lead me to talk about the premise for Maury's show, which (to me) highlights the culture of broken families that has been so pervasive in this country. I knew the ensuing exchange would prompt some powerful dialogue (especially when I asked them to talk about one positive black male role model in each of their lives) but I didn't realize the extent to which many of the guys would open up.

Mookie: My grandfather is the only positive male role model I can think of, truthfully. I know my father, but that's all he is.. my father.
Me: What do you mean?
Mookie: I don't have a relationship with him. He was too busy running around and doing whatever to be a dad. My mom raised me by herself, basically.
Me: How'd that make you feel?
Mookie: I'm cool with it at this point in my life, but growing up I was angry. Maybe that's why I did a lot of dumb stuff. I used to run around wit gangs and stuff until my boy got shot in the head.
Me: And that changed you?
Mookie: Yeh. He died in my arms. I was wit him when it happened.


At that point, Bleek jumped in. He wanted to share his own story.

Bleek: My role model would prolly be my stepdad. He taught me how to be a man.
Me: Is he still in your life?
Bleek: Nah. He's locked up.
Me: What about your dad?
Bleek: He was never in my life, but I ain't mad at him. He was real with me.
Me: How so?
Bleek: He told me that he loved crack more than he loved me.


Two weeks after that discussion group, Bleek was expelled from school for violating the terms of his on-campus probation. Apparently, he loved smoking weed a little too much.

Teacher Humper

Peaches was going through a rough divorce. Her husband was intent on screwing her over. That seemed strange to me since he was the one seeking to dissolve the marriage. I didn't really know what to say as Peaches rambled on about the drama that was unfolding in her life. Having never gone through a divorce proceeding, I couldn't offer her any legal advice. Moreover, I barely knew Peaches. She unloaded a truckload of dirt about her life to me the first time we got together outside of work.

Peaches had recently been employed at the college. The welcoming committee in our department took her out to lunch a few weeks into her employment. Although my colleagues didn't pick up any nervous energy from Peaches, I noticed that she was uneasy during the outing. When the group returned to work from lunch, I asked Peaches if she was okay. She admitted that "bigger things" were on her mind that needed to be talked about off the clock.

I accepted Peaches' invitation to have a drink after work. Little did I know that she was really requesting a pseudo-counseling session. I listened interminably to Peaches lament about her awful mother in-law who orchestrated the divorce. She talked about her spineless husband who wouldn't stand up to his mother and the looming reality of single parenthood that awaited. I felt bad for her.

As Peaches spoke, I wondered if there was something missing from her account of why the marriage fell apart. This guy was basically divorcing Peaches because his mother didn't like her, and in the process he was trying to make her life hell. They had been married for four years and had three children together. She was beautiful, intelligent, articulate, and driven. She didn't give off the vibe of a woman who was an unfit parent either. The story didn't add up.

Given the number of abrupt divorces that go down, I just chalked her situation up as a match that wasn't made in heaven...until one of my former players shed some light on why Peaches' marriage fell apart.

Shizz: Hey coach. Does Peaches still work here?
Me: Why? How do you know her?
Shizz: She was my professor for a class. My mom used to work with her husband. I heard she's going through a divorce.
Me: Yeh. That's what she told me.
Shizz: My mom told me that he was divorcing her because she cheated on him a bunch of times.
Me: What??
Shizz: I never told you this, but she randomly sent me a late night message on facebook once.
Me: For what?
Shizz: She asked for my number and wanted to know if I was interested in grabbing drinks sometime...

Crack House

Poyo leads a tough life. He has attempted to stop selling weed, but the 20 hours he gets on a weekly basis as a cook at an hourly rate of $8 makes it difficult for him to stay away from hustling. Making matters even more difficult is that Poyo doesn't have family to lean on financially. His mom and dad are around (albeit separated), but they're strapped financially. The money he earns, which amounts to $640 per month before taxes, is supposed to pay for rent, car insurance, and his cell phone.

Poyo enrolled here (Q Junior College) months after graduating from an Alternative High School. He's 19 years old. Poyo was excited about his major (Automotive Technology), but he had difficulty passing the remedial reading and writing classes that were necessary to begin working on cars. Eventually, he grew tired of struggling through courses that he felt didn't relate directly to his interest in cars. After barely passing our lowest level reading class, Poyo decided to enroll at the Universal Technical Institute (UTI).

On the surface, this was a great move since UTI didn't require that he pass English courses to work on cars. However, for a fifteen month Certificate program, UTI charges $30k. Whereas, the program he left costs roughly $5k per year. Since Poyo qualified for a full Pell Grant at Q Junior College, he didn't have to pay a dime for school. At UTI, Poyo was still eligible for the Pell Grant but since the cost was considerably higher, he also had to take out loans upwards of $20k.

In Poyo's defense, he sought tutoring and spent hours studying for reading and writing exams but his effort didn't yield the desired results. While considerably more expensive, UTI offered him a far more engaging program that met his needs academically. The cost, however, happened to be exorbitant. That's what lead him to my office randomly.

Poyo: Hey man. Can you write me a recommendation for this scholarship I'm applying for?
Me: Of course! I'm happy to do that for you. How much is it for?
Poyo: $1500. It's not that much, but every bit helps. That's what they told me.
Me: Okay. Yeh. Come back in a week and I'll have the recommendation done.
Poyo: I really appreciate it, man.
Me: So what's new?
Poyo: Me, man. I'm just livin. You know? I finally got my own spot so that's what's up. I don't have to live with my moms no more. A few problems here and there though.
Me: Like what?
Poyo: It's a crack house.
Me: How do you know?
Poyo: Because every morning I wake up there be lines of fiends in the hallway tryin to buy shit.

Dookie Butt

Dicky wanted revenge. His girlfriend (Twig) of two years had cheated on him, and he didn't see it coming. At that point, I had known Dicky for a few years. We were really good friends. It was a shock for me to see how badly the whole situation shook him. He went from being real jovial to sullen overnight. At one point, I actually feared for Twig's life because Dicky was intent on getting back at her.

Dicky and Twig were high school sweethearts. Their relationship was going strong until she went off to college. Even though they were down the street from each other in college, their bond dissolved quickly. She wanted to party and he was ready to get married. A few months into first semester things started to get very ugly as the differences in their attitudes about the relationship became more glaring.

Dicky probably should have seen the drama coming since he knew that Twig had some serious psychological issues. Twig was bulemic and anorexic. I also learned that she was dealing with manic depression, which lead her to behave oddly towards him. Before Twig cheated on Dicky, he confided in me that she would randomly do things to hurt him. Little incidents occurred here and there that Dicky brushed off until she eventually went full throttle with some guy after a party.

Surprisingly, after a couple of months apart they got back together. I was shocked that he forgave her, and puzzled that she got back with him. I had expected Dicky to do something crazy but it never happened. Months after their reconciliation we were commiserating about women when Dicky told me about Twig's peace offering.

Dicky: Yo. You'll never believe what this chick did to show me how sorry she was for cheating on me.
Me: What?
Dicky: You can't ever tell her I told you this.
Me: Never that.
Dicky: I'm sitting on the toilet taking a shit, right. Then all of a sudden the door knocks.
Me: Yeh?
Dicky: I tell her I'm in the bathroom and she says she wants to come in.
Me: I don't even know if I want to hear the rest of this.
Dicky: (laughing) The next thing I know she pushes the door open and gets on her knees.
Me: Why?
Dicky: She started giving me head while I was still on the seat, dog. I didn't even get to flush the toilet!

Love Hurts

Love is a bitch. I felt badly for Jazmine as she talked about the hurt she experienced in her relationship. The emotional damage was evident on her high school transcript. She bombed her junior year. It looked nothing like the front, or back end, of her academic record. I wondered how the pain would affect her ability to handle the rigors of college.

I've never understood how people find it in them to love hard after having love fail them. My first experience with love many years ago caused me to be extra cautious in relationships henceforth. My high school sweetheart and I started kickin it during our junior year of high school. We were like Cherelle and Alexander from the jump.

Nothing could pry us away from each other. I even stopped hanging with my boys, and it was no problem for me at all. My girlfriend and I were in a world of our own. During our senior year of high school, other than when we slept or went to class, she and I were together. I had extreme anxiety as college loomed. The thought of not having my other half around was painful.

Before I enrolled in college, my older brother warned me about having a long distance relationship. My girlfriend was going to college in Virgina. He told me about how he bagged a bunch of first year girls who were in relationships during his very brief stint in college. I was insulted that he'd suggest my girlfriend would get down like that, but he planted some doubt in my mind--especially since my boy told me she hooked up with a guy on spring break.

She denied it ever happened, but my boy said otherwise. We stayed together through that tough spell, but I never quite trusted her again. Whenever I called her room during late hours and she wasn't there, I'd freak out. In a matter of months, I went from being a laid back boyfriend to an overly sensitive, emotional wreck. It was so bad that I'd leave parties on campus to go chat with her in my dorm room on AIM. After my freshman year of college, we broke up. Although it was mutual, I was devastated. That summer, love became something that I feared. It literally broke me...

Jazmine's situation was very different. I had some degree of control over my relationship, but she was totally blindsided by what happened to her. Nevertheless, given the deep scar that love left me with, I wondered how Jazmine's future would unfold given the agony of her experience.

Jazmine: Junior year was rough for me. You can tell by my grades.
Me: Yeh. I can see that. You did well in Creative Writing, though. You like to write?
Jazmine: Very much so. It really helped me deal with what happened.
Me: Is it too personal for you to share what happened with me?
Jazmine: No. My boyfriend...he died in a car accident.

Teen Drama

Buzz was being stalked by his high school sweetheart. After they dated for a year, Buzz decided to call it quits. Homegirl wasn't feeling that. She did whatever was necessary to remain at the center of his life. Buzz was so overwhelmbed by this girl that he had to leave his school altogether.

I met him during a school visit his senior year. He had requested an individual meeting with me to talk about our academic offerings. Unfortunately, there wasn't much for him to consider because his grades were so bad. After a short, yet mutually informative, conference he settled on our General Studies program because there were no minimum requirements to get in. It also offered him a great deal of flexibility in terms of course selection. Buzz was excited about basically designing his own major.

Over the span of four years, Buzz attended three high schools.
As a high school freshman, Buzz started at a vocational school. Plumbing was his trade. He decided to transfer after a year because it wasn't a good fit for him. That year, he met chica loca who was a junior at his new school. According to him, they hit it off right away. I didn't ask why they broke up, but the relationship ended after a year. Homegirl was a little sour about being dumped, to say the least. That lead him to transfer to his final destination.

She popped up everywhere he hung out unexpectedly after they broke up. Even though she beat up every girl who tried talking to him, Buzz decided to give the relationship a second chance. Things came to a head during a lover's quarrel when she hit Buzz over the head with a stick and threw a lit candle at him.

Me: Why would you get back with her after that?
Buzz: I was stupid. She was a senior and I was a sophomore. The thought of being with an older girl was cool, you know. Big mistake.
Me: I'm sorry you went through that.
Buzz: Me too. I tried to put a restraining order on her but that didn't work out. That was my junior year. If you look at my grades, they were awful. I was going through a lot with her.
Me: Were you not successful in putting the restraining order on her?
Buzz: Nope. She told me if I tried to put a restraining order on her that she'd tell the judge that I raped her, so I backed off.

Viral Beatdown

Triple feared for his life. Another student on campus was following Triple around with some friends waiting to beat him down. Things almost came to a head in the school cafeteria one day. At that point, I was brought into the fray by Campus Police. The situation was on the verge of getting out of control.

At the time of all this drama, Triple wasn't on the team. He was suspended for taking a pair of sneakers from the locker room without permission and failing to apologize for his poor judgment. I attempted several times to meet with him about the matter, but he dodged me for months. Once the season started, I told him to take a hike.

A few weeks into the season, a couple of my assistants (including some players) talked me into bringing Triple back on the team. As has been my custom over the years, I decided to give a player a second chance. The only problem in this situation was the drama Triple was bringing with him. I didn't want a situation where his enemies would do something stupid during one of our practices or a game.

Triple and I met to talk about his beef. He told me that some guy on campus was following him around the city threatening to kill him, essentially stalking him. His parents didn't even want him coming to school given the frequency of their close encounters on campus. As he was talking, I figured the situation had something to do with a girl. Low and behold, there was a woman involved in this fiasco.

Triple: My boy and this dude whose followin me had beef over some chick so now I'm involved.
Me: Are you involved because he's your boy? That's dumb.
Triple: Kinda. Sorta. Dudes is just dumb. They want drama for nothin.
Me: Kinda? You need to tell me the whole story so we can move on and I can make sure you're safe around here.
Triple: Aiight. My boy and this dude was beefin, and my boy whipped his ass. I was there.
Me: Did you jump in?
Triple: Nah. I recorded it and put it on facebook.